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This is what I posted, or rather, what Xaerun posted on my behalf in an appeal to get unbanned from FAF. Keep in mind, this is the third time this has happened, and each time, it's because a current staff member would be open to the possibility of unbanning me after all this time. The old guard, unanimously, always shoot them down. What always brings this about is either them saying directly they'd like to see me back on FAF, or other users saying as much and me reaching out to what staff members will actually talk to me when I hear about it. Well, after this, I'm done. Here's what I wrote.
To wit, one thing they pulled up to rationalize keeping me banned was a "ban-evasion" that I had nothing to do with. Someone I and all of you know, created an alt account called Homosexuality on a lark, and I commented on their userpage. Because of that, they assumed this person was me. As if I'd be stupid enough to make an alt and draw attention to it/myself by posting on it as myself.
All the other reasons boil down to the same past bullshit I acknowledge, own up to and, for everyone else, prove I've moved on from and am no longer about. The reason I even think it's worth posting about what's gone down over the past few days is because it's forced me to ask, if I was as bad as they think I am, well, what incentive would I have to be any different? Trying to do anything good or right is pointless. Efforts to change and be accepted as having changed are fruitless. Appeals to reason and just basic, common courtesy and decency fall on deaf ears.
I can't help but come to see FAF as its own worst enemy. It's great at punishing bad behavior or just any behavior or personality type they don't look, but offer absolutely no incentive whatsoever to try to do things the right way or work with them in a way that gives anyone but themselves any peace of mind.
At this point, the only good I can say about any of FAF's staff is that several of the more recent additions have been willing to hear me out and even take my words and intentions as being honest. And one of them even encouraged me to get this message out any way I can, up to and including having anyone still a member there copy and paste it on my behalf. So that's what I feel it necessary to ask of anyone who gives a damn about me or that place. Things will never change until the old guard do, which is unlikely, or until people stop sticking to FAF just because it's FAF and invest in the alternatives that are out there.
I'm not just asking you to do this for me, but for yourselves as well. I said in my message that, in the past, FAF's members deserved better than what I was giving them. But they also deserve better than what FAF itself gives them. I'm no longer hiding behind the excuse that FAF made me what I was and, by that same token, see no excuse for FAF to hide behind.
According to Xaerun, most of not all the newer folks (at least those who didn't "abstain" which I assume means "I'm not weighing in because I'm afraid of looking bad for having the wrong opinion") thought I was sincere and deserve a chance to prove myself. I doubt all the old guard even read what I wrote, or if they did, didn't see it as anything but a crass, manipulative ploy to worm my way back into the fold and disturb their shit.me wrote:Where to begin... Three times now I've either been in a conversation with a random FAF staff member, or been mentioned in a FAF thread. Three times now, this has led to me writing an appeal at their suggestion/request. I'm at the point where I wish FAF would just move on from me as well as I've moved on from it. But perhaps there's purpose in these exchanges.
First of all, Xaerun gave me something I've wanted since I was banned, and that's a real explanation. It was pretty much as I thought, that FAF's staff deem someone like me to be inherently contrary to "the forum's best interests". In other words, it boils down purely to personality differences and petty disputes, as evidenced by my posts being called "negative" and "toxic". But all I really wanted was the truth. I'm not going to dispute that much of what's said about me was true. But that wasn't all there was to me even back then. I don't think I'd still have as many friends from FAF as I do if that were the case. Or at least, I wouldn't have kept those friends as long as I have.
The other reason I've made and kept those friends is because I actually started to do something about myself. I'll be the first to admit, I wasn't easy to be around back then. The truth is, I didn't like myself too much, so I don't blame people for the same. But what I don't think people understand, and I wish they did, is that rarely was I ever really angry at whoever I was sparring with on the forums. I was just angry in general, and using whoever would listen as basically my soundboard. Maybe there can be purpose in that, but usually, it wasn't fulfilled the way I did it, and I am sorry for that. I'm also sorry if people thought I genuinely hated them and sought to make them as miserable as I was.
That being said, there are plenty of people who are negative, disruptive and toxic. They don't all get banned. And it seems those who truly deserve it will more often than not prove it by ban evading or taking their sideshow to the main site, getting banned from there as well. I did neither. Because whatever motivates those kinds of people just doesn't motivate me. I don't want to be anywhere and not be Wolf-Bone. I'm not interested in coming back under some disguise. If I wanted to come back at all, it would be just to rectify whatever wrongs I've done, and set the record straight about who I really am.
It's funny how this whole thing started. I just posted a comment about yet another FAF thread I got linked to from elsewhere on a Facebook group me and Xaerun are both members of. Of course, because it's FAF, the gist of the message is, I don't like what I see, even from (especially from) people I'd like to consider friends. Thing is, neither of us knew who the other was. And because of that, we both assumed the worst about the other person. Yet within a few minutes, we were at least being civil with one another and that's when Xaerun extended the offer to me, to relay this message.
I allowed few on FAF to really get to know me. I regret that, deeply. Even though I still have my friends, many of whom I first knew from there, we're better friends now, because I've allowed myself to see the real them, and them to see the real me. The longer I take my antidepressants, keep in touch with the friends I've made, and basically just stop looking for shit to be angry about, the less chance I see of me ever being like I was again.
Look, I'm well past the point of wanting to be on FAF that damned bad. Like I said, when I look at it lately, I don't like what I see. So why am I bothering with this? Because someone asked me to, and because others have in the past. I don't want to feel "vindicated" or whatever by being unbanned. Because I wouldn't. I don't like perceptions of me based on things from, literally, years past, being held against me through the entire time I've been changing.
If you do unban me, you're not going to see some gloating, prancing victory lap around the forums. You probably won't see anything beyond a copy of this very message. If you're not going to unban me, it would be good of you to at least post it on my behalf. For the people who keep referring to me, mocking me, missing me, and starting these exchanges which lead me back to this place. I only want one thing, and that's for all who still hold a grudge against me to believe these words are true.
To wit, one thing they pulled up to rationalize keeping me banned was a "ban-evasion" that I had nothing to do with. Someone I and all of you know, created an alt account called Homosexuality on a lark, and I commented on their userpage. Because of that, they assumed this person was me. As if I'd be stupid enough to make an alt and draw attention to it/myself by posting on it as myself.
All the other reasons boil down to the same past bullshit I acknowledge, own up to and, for everyone else, prove I've moved on from and am no longer about. The reason I even think it's worth posting about what's gone down over the past few days is because it's forced me to ask, if I was as bad as they think I am, well, what incentive would I have to be any different? Trying to do anything good or right is pointless. Efforts to change and be accepted as having changed are fruitless. Appeals to reason and just basic, common courtesy and decency fall on deaf ears.
I can't help but come to see FAF as its own worst enemy. It's great at punishing bad behavior or just any behavior or personality type they don't look, but offer absolutely no incentive whatsoever to try to do things the right way or work with them in a way that gives anyone but themselves any peace of mind.
At this point, the only good I can say about any of FAF's staff is that several of the more recent additions have been willing to hear me out and even take my words and intentions as being honest. And one of them even encouraged me to get this message out any way I can, up to and including having anyone still a member there copy and paste it on my behalf. So that's what I feel it necessary to ask of anyone who gives a damn about me or that place. Things will never change until the old guard do, which is unlikely, or until people stop sticking to FAF just because it's FAF and invest in the alternatives that are out there.
I'm not just asking you to do this for me, but for yourselves as well. I said in my message that, in the past, FAF's members deserved better than what I was giving them. But they also deserve better than what FAF itself gives them. I'm no longer hiding behind the excuse that FAF made me what I was and, by that same token, see no excuse for FAF to hide behind.
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